Ted Schmidt

Ted could be the most insecure queer man in Pittsburgh. A hottie in his own-right, Ted hides what he has under one of the most boring wardrobes known to mankind. He approaches every guy at Babylon with one thought in his mind: "How fast are they going to reject me?" He also has a secret crush on Michael, as well as a predilection for co-dependent relationships. He's past 30, and feels like troll-hood is just around the corner.

Rejection and insecurity are a way of life him. His hobbies include web porn, video porn, porn magazines and pining after codependent relationships and/or unobtainable men. But despite his insecurities, Ted has had quite a few relationships.
His best friend is Emmett and he's also a big friend of Michael.

[Brian] "Why me? Why did you choose me?

[Ted] "My mother couldn't do it. Michael and Emmett couldn't do it. But you could, because you're a heartless shit. You could pull the plug and you wouldn't cry. And you'd know when it's time to go."

[Ted] "I saw you. Fucking. When I woke up. I thought: I'm in hell and this is my punishment, watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity."

[Ted] "I was rejected by everybody - it's good to be back!"

[Ted] "I took viagra last night. It's been 18 hours and it won't go down. What am I going to do?"

[Emmett] "Have you tried soaking it?"
[Lindsay] "How about a cold shower?"
[Brian] "How about scaring it?"
[Justin] "That's hiccups."
[Brian] "Boo!"
[Ted] "Thank you all for caring."
[Melanie] "What about something that would completely turn you off?"
[Brian] "That's a great idea, why don't you two show him your tits?"

[Ted] "What am I gonna do??"

[Brian] "Keep it up til Monday."

[Emmett] "What's Monday?"

[Brian] "Flag Day!"

[Ted] "Michael's got Ben. You've got Justin. Even Emmett has George, for Christ's sake. How come everybody's got someone except me?

[Brian] "The reason you don't have a boyfriend is because you don't want one."

[Ted] "I don't?"

[Brian] "If you had one, it would challenge the well-established opinion you have of yourself as a worthless sack of shit that nobody wants. Therefore, you go after guys you know will reject you, then you stand around here and bitch like a high school girl, when in fact you've gotten exactly what you wanted, namely nothing."

[Ted] "Well, thank you, Dr. Kinney. You've saved me years of therapy not to mention several thousand dollars."